5 Ways to Move from Meh to Mindblowing When Baby Making Gets Boring
The process of trying to conceive can be exciting at first. However, having a systematic sex routine set according to ovulation patterns can ruin the fun. Sex may become boring or even stressful when there is pressure to perform.
This article will discuss the science behind sexual desire to shed light on what really happens both psychologically and physically during this time. We will also cover some suggestions that can help spice up the process.
What Controls Sex Drive?
One of the most prominent theories on sex drive is the Dual Control Model of Sexual Response from Dr. John Bancroft, a former Kinsey Institute director, and Dr. Erick Janssen. According to the theory, everyone has a sexual excitation system (SES) and a sexual inhibition system (SIS). These systems mostly operate independently of each other, and each person’s SES and SIS vary in sensitivity.
Researchers compare the sexual response to driving a car. The SES is the gas pedal that gets one in the mood, and the SIS is the brake pedal that turns one off. Depending on each person’s personality, history, and sexual physiology, they may engage the brake or gas pedal to different degrees compared to someone else. A person can press both pedals at once, or they may only engage one or the other at a time (Bancroft et al., 2009).
For example, let’s say a married couple invites their friends to visit from out of town. For the wife, the idea of having sex with her partner while there is someone in the room on the other side of the wall is a complete turn-off. Her body is engaging her brake pedal or SIS. Meanwhile, it does not bother the husband at all. His body is engaging his gas pedal or SES without touching his brake pedal.
The Sexual Inhibition System
When a person finds themself bored, stressed out, or generally turned off during sex, it likely has to do with the SIS. The body is always scanning for threats to its basic survival. If a threat appears, the body deems sex as unimportant for survival at that moment. As a result, the SIS engages and shuts down any sexual response.
A threat can be anything one can see, smell, hear, touch, taste, or imagine. It can be both internal and external. What triggers a person’s SIS might be something immediately obvious, like the fear of the social consequences they might face if overheard. Or, it might be something less concrete, like feeling stressed and distracted after a long day at work. Another less obvious example can relate to body image, like worrying about what one’s partner thinks about their body.
How Does the SIS Affect Men and Women?
The SIS impacts men and women in similar ways. Although everyone has different sensitivity levels, both genders can deal with various triggers that set off the SIS. This includes:
Performance-related fear
Body image issues
Inability to orgasm
For men, erectile dysfunction (ED) or premature ejaculation could be a concern that acts as a turn-off. In some cases, the pressure of trying to conceive, especially in combination with regular daily stress, can cause situational ED. For example, a male partner may have a stressful day at work and feel relieved to finally get to go home. When he arrives home to find out his wife is ovulating and he is under pressure to have sex right away, that stress can make it impossible to get turned on (Jones, 2020). On top of that, the fear of being infertile can also impact sexual response.
Additionally, the stress of trying to conceive can bring on more serious issues that can also limit sex drive. People who struggle to get pregnant report feeling anxious, depressed, isolated, and out of control. Furthermore, they note that they experience low self-esteem, shame, and guilt (Rooney & Domar, 2018).
All of these negative feelings are likely to trigger the SIS - the brake system - and make a person even less interested in having sex. When a couple is actively trying to conceive and is having sex every other day, they are already in a high-pressure situation. Adding the stress discussed above can make sex even less appealing.
How to Take Sex from Stressful to Enjoyable and Fun
Couples Should Have Sex Because They Want To.
Couples who are trying to conceive will be on a schedule to ensure they do not miss the fertile window when the woman is ovulating. While that does play a role in their sex life, it should not be the only time they have sex. It is also important to have sex just for the sake of it. Each partner must make an effort to make sex more of a romantic, spontaneous, and exciting experience rather than a business transaction. One can do this by spending more time on foreplay, buying lingerie, lighting candles, playing music, or anything else that makes the act so exciting that the couple forgets about babies altogether.
When In Doubt, Take A Break.
Taking a hiatus from trying to conceive can greatly improve a relationship. Having sex every other day on a set schedule can be taxing, and if a couple is undergoing any infertility treatments they likely have even more mental and physical stress. It is best for couples in this situation to take a month or two off from trying and just focus on each other.
Couples Should Date Each Other.
Aside from creating babies, sex also creates intimacy among partners. There are other ways to build that intimacy back up, which can then create the desire for sex. Couples should actively try to get out of their usual space and connect with their partner on dates. The aim is to have deep talks, enjoy amazing food, have shared experiences, and find that emotional connection.
Get Enough Exercise.
There is a large number of studies linking physical fitness to sexual health and libido. Exercise can also help reduce stress and anxiety, boost sleep, and improve body image (Jiannine, 2018). In other words, it helps create the perfect environment to engage the SES and increase one’s sexual drive.
See a Specialist.
If a couple has been trying to conceive for over a year with no success, it might be time for them to see a fertility specialist. Having the support of an expert can take some of the stress off their plate, making it easier for them to focus on baby making.
Trying to conceive can put pressure on a couple that lessens the fun and excitement of sex. Understanding how this stress affects people, as well as what psychological systems control sexual desire, helps ease some of the tension that couples face. This, along with the tips discussed above, will ultimately help couples find joy in the process again.
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Bancroft, J., Graham, C. A., Janssen, E., & Sanders, S. (2009, March). The Dual Control Model: Current status and future directions. Journal of sex research. Retrieved November 9, 2022, from https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19308839/
Jiannine, L. M. (2018, May 3). An investigation of the relationship between physical fitness, self-concept, and sexual functioning. Journal of education and health promotion. Retrieved November 5, 2022, from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5963213/
Jones, C. (2020, May). Talking about sex drive and hormones: How do you make a baby when you're not in the mood? Healthy Seminars. Retrieved November 9, 2022, from https://healthyseminars.com/precisionanalytical
Rooney, K. L., & Domar, A. D. (2018, March). The relationship between stress and infertility. Dialogues in clinical neuroscience. Retrieved November 5, 2022, from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6016043/
